From page 23-24 of the Eat to Live text:

Poor nutrition induces [food] cravings (addictive drives), and nutritional excellence helps normalize or remove them.  My experience with thou-
sands of patients following my healthful, high-nutrient eating plan is that
most of these people no longer get the discomfort that they formerly
mistook for hunger.  Even when they delay eating and get very hungry,
they no longer experience stomach cramps, headaches, or fatigue
accompanying their falling blood sugar.  They merely get hungry and
they enjoy this new sensation of hunger in the mouth and throat,
which makes food taste better than ever. 

Oh my word, I’m in some serious junk food withdrawal right now.  I thought before that I ate fairly healthy.  I like veggies and I really like salads.  For the last few weeks, I’ve been taking baby steps to get back into the full pseudo-veganism of this eating plan.  More brown rice, veggies, no bread/pasta/meat/dairy if I could help it.  Apparently, I couldn’t help it.  Last night, I fell off the wagon, with a bologna sandwich on white for dinner and later, a piece of white bread with peanut butter.  Hell, if I’m going to cheat, I’m going to pull a G-Dub move from the Florida presidential election debacle in 2000 and really CHEAT.  Bologna?  That’s even questionable as to whether it’s food.  The peanut butter was okay, although I need to switch to a more natural organic brand that doesn’t have high fructose corn syrup in it, just peanuts and peanut oil.  I’m just trying to eat up what we have before buying more.  Besides the bologna, the bread is a big no-no.  

One of the major premises of the plan I’ve picked is to get back to eating food with ingredients as opposed to contents, getting back to natural food without preservatives and chemicals.  If I know what the ingredient is, likely then it’s okay.  Bread is probably one of the worst things I could go for unless I make it myself.  Everything in it is refined and preserved.  

Same with the Coke I had this morning.  And the donuts. 

Yeah, I fell off the wagon hard, but I’m getting back on.  And I’m owning up to it because I’m not perfect but I’m not giving up either, and if someone’s reading that just ate a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup, they’l know I get it.

I don’t remember this last time, going through some serious junk food cravings.  I think I was so shocked by the gems I read in the book that my motivation stomped on any cravings.  I was so disturbed by the findings and the apparent ignoring of those findings by the FDA that I was pumped up and able to get through the withdrawal period relatively unscathed.  This time around, though I’m rereading the book and getting my momentum going again, I’m not as shocked as I was then.  I’m not as disgusted by what I found out.  I have seen SuperSize Me and its disturbing but something I’ve incorporated into my knowledge base and it’s motivational factor is reduced somewhat.  My ability to say no is weakened.  Thus, the bologna sandwich.  At least I haven’t slipped far enough to have had any fast food.

But never mind those slip ups.  I’m not going to stop doing this plan.  I’m going to keep going, keep from letting a few mishaps become a reason to quit altogether like I have so many times in the past. 

You won’t get me, cravings.  I will win.

My wedding ring doesn’t fit.  Well, I can cram it on my finger with the judicious use of lotion, but then the skin under the band doesn’t breathe and looks like the white underbelly of a fish, and I end up with split skin and cracked sores and it’s not worth it.  I’ll shoulder the dirty looks of the grocery store busybodies who glare at me while I wrangle my two monkeys in the cart (well, one’s a monkey and one’s sort of slug-like right now, until she learns her body’s capabilities) over painful skin irritation.  They (the busybodies) stare pointedly at my naked left ring finger and then at my children.  Really, in this day an age where single parents abound is it that much of a stigma to be unwed with children?  I know I’m not unwed, but without the ring, that’s hard to gauge.  But what about those who are?  I personally think those people who do it all on their own are heroes.  Day in and day out, taking on the monumental task of raising children by themselves, alongside the responsibilities of adulthood and housekeeping.  They are heroes.  I am on my own a lot with the two kids lately while Mike tries to earn some extra cash and help his sister out all in one fell swoop by rehabbing a house, and I can barely breathe sometimes.  And that’s with Mike coming home and keeping up with the yard work and doing a big chunk of the cleaning.  Holla to single parents out there.  You are phenoms.

But that’s not exactly my point.  My point is that my wedding ring doesn’t fit because my finger has become too fat for it.  My whole body is too fat for it.  I’m fat.  (And no dissenting opinions on that, peeps, for I will not listen.  You’re just being nice anyway, and the mirror, while not nice, is honest.  I value honesty every day of the week and twice on Sunday, even if it’s considered unkind.)  I am about 85 pounds overweight, so there’s no way around it: I’m fat.  And I’ll own it.  I let myself get this way and it happened over a lot of years, slowly, a pound or five at a time.

I’ll own it so much that I’ll tell you my weight, as I did once before.

214.

Weighed myself this morning.  Am thoroughly embarrassed.  It’s time.  I promised myself when the second pink line showed up last May that I would merely suspend my Eat to Live lifestyle changes, and I’m also embarrassed to admit to a certain amount of sinful eating while I would plop my fat ass down in front of the tube and watch The Biggest Loser, I was also inspired by that show.  How’s that for ironic?  But I am ready.  I started last spring on a plan that I found in a book and it was working.  I found the plan principles to be solid and it doesn’t seem like a fad or something I can’t sustain, though it will be something to which I’ll have to get accustomed.  I was down 15 pounds before finding out I was pregnant and decided that to try to change my eating habits that drastically would be a little dangerous for the baby in terms of the learning curve and my protein intake as a new vegan, protein necessary for a healthy pregnancy and newborn.  But she’s here now, and I’m healed now, and the weather’s getting nice now and I don’t want to be stuck wearing my maternity shorts again this summer.  Not only that, but I OWE it to my kids to be the best mom I can be, and that includes the mom that can run behind her four-year-old while he learns to ride his bike without training wheels, or crawl tirelessly on the floor with the baby as she learns what her body can do, or provide both of them an example for what is proper eating, the kind of eating that will not rob them of years off their lives in the long run.

I debated about writing about it here again.  Not because I’m shamed by that number (even though I am) or afraid to overshare with the Internets (even though I am), but because who wants to read about weight loss strategy on a parenting blog?  I’ve seen in others’ comments sections where people mention not being that interested in the topic because it strays too far from the whole genre of the blog.

But in the end, I have decided my blog, my content, my choice, and I am not only a parenting blog.  Okay, well, maybe right now I am, but I reserve the right to branch out at any point in the future.  So I am reviving the Step on the Scale, Please category, not only for a place to write about it, but to also keep myself accountable, as well as provide a narrative as I take these first steps to what I hope will be a successful weight-loss/healthy lifestyle journey.  Maybe it’ll be something I can look back on and say, hey, look what I achieved.  (If it’s something you’re interested in, and you weren’t around last year for the previous posts, I would recommend starting with the few posts, about ten or so, that are in the Step on the Scale Category.  That will explain the changes I’m making, though I might end up explaining it all over again anyway.)  I will be totally okay with it if you skip anything that I put in that category if the weight loss posts aren’t your thing, but I also realized something else that played into my decision to write about this stuff again:

I have just had a baby.  I don’t know a mother alive who has not, at some point in the early post-partum period, felt bad about their post baby body, the crepe paper skin on their stomach, the fold over skin of the lower abdomen, vag birth or c-section be damned.  Therefore, I think that it’s perfectly within the parenting genre to have a bit of weight talk now and then.  I know I’m not writing a diet blog, and I’ll keep that in mind if it gets to where I’m too talky about my endeavors.  But parents, and especially mothers who have had to deal with the ramifications of carrying a baby to term, DO have weight issues.  And time issues as well as logistical issues: who’s going to watch the baby while I’m at the gym?  I figured there are a few people who will be interested in this topic, so while I’m working on my own lifestyle change, I can chronicle it here in case anyone else wants to follow along.  If you don’t, if it’s not your area of interest, please, by all means, skip those posts.

Now, I’m not blaming the baby for my weight problems, just so we’re clear.  I only gained 17 pounds with Anna (19 with Gabe) and that’s my body’s disposition when pregnant.  I’m not bragging, and I’m not judging those who gain more.  Everyone’s different, and everyone’s needs are different.  There’s no judgment on my end.  But that also means that I don’t have a convenient excuse to explain away the extra 85 pounds.  I was 213 both times I got pregnant.  If I recall correctly, I was in a size 8 jeans when I met Mike back in 1995, probably about 135 or so pounds.  So between 1995 and 2003 when I got pregnant with Gabe, I gained 85 pounds.  I think when I had my reduction in 2001, I weighed 190 or thereabouts.  Which means that while I was in college between 1995 and 2000, I gained the 85 pounds.  Sad too that none of those pounds are beer and having a good time with friends and making memories (because I didn’t do much of that, boringly enough), but simply the product of a lot of fast food and a suddenly sedentary lifestyle spent studying and also recovering from a 1998 car accident that left my right foot broken and sporting permanent nerve damage.

There’s my convenient excuse.  I can’t couldn’t exercise because my foot’s messed up.  Well, that just means now, I’ll have to find a way to do exercises that don’t aggravate the foot injury.  Swimming, maybe.  Or yoga and other things with no high impact.  I will also say that most of my changes, at least in the beginning, will be dietary.  This isn’t out of laziness but out of sheer volume of information.  I’ll be switching to a mostly vegan diet.  I say mostly because the general premise of the eating plan I’m choosing is to keep the following food items at no more than ten percent of my entire caloric intake ~ meat, dairy, non-essential fats like oils, and any kind of enriched/bleached/blanched flour.  I will be able to eat bread, if it’s made with unenriched, unbleached, unblanched flour.  Which means either I will have to make it myself or buy it from St. Louis Bread Co (Panera to the rest of the country), who doesn’t use altered flour in any of their breads.  The thing I like about this plan is that it will allow me to have those things, now and then.  10 % of the time.  If I feel like having a steak on rare occasions, I can.  But the sheer amount of time it’ll take getting used to this diet that I remember from last time will leave me with no time left over, and I’ll say right now, I will NOT compromise my time with my kids to do this.  I get about 4 waking hours a day with them during the work week, and while my health is important to my future with them, so is my spending quality time with them now, as they are growing up.  Hopefully, I can figure out ways to incorporate exercise into our activities, like taking a brisk walk on that pretty bike trail I’ve been meaning to get to or running around with them at the playground or taking them swimming a few times during the summer.  Those kinds of things are great exercise as well as fun.  And as the eating and learning curve of how to cook vegan improves, then hopefully there will be some time for me to increase my exercise and really get moving in the direction of shedding this excess weight, my 85 pound tumor.

Because I’m sick of looking in the mirror and hating the way my butt looks in every pair of pants I own.  I hate putting on clothes and have them constrict me in the belly area.  I hate being subconscious of how my arms and chins look in pictures.  I hate how out of shape I’ve let myself get.  So instead of whining about how much I hate the way I look and feel, I’m going to get to fixing it.  Slowly.  It took 6 years to gain the weight, so I doubt it will fall off overnight, and I wouldn’t want it to.  That to me is just a harbinger of failure, and inevitable return to fat.  I’m more interested in a lifestyle change that I can sustain for the rest of my life.  No more gimmicks.  No more fads.  No more starving either.  It’s going to be nutrient dense food for me from now on.  No more empty calories.  Good bye Cheezits.  Goodbye Coke (ooh, that hurts).  Goodbye chocolate and chips and garlic bread and cheese.  Pass the carrots.  Yes, the whole bag.

So if you want to, join me.  Read what I have to say.  Tell me your stories, what inspires you, what tricks you’ve tried, and by all means, share recipes.  Even if they don’t fit into my new vegan repertoire of foods.  Maybe someone else reading would enjoy them.  And I would love to have a few buddies along for the ride, if you’re interested.  My goal?  Healthy living and long-lived weight reduction.  Oh, and sizing my ring DOWN to fit my finger again.

“I’ll have the chicken pot pie and a glass of unsweetened ice tea.”

Yes, I had meat this weekend.  The book I read illustrated the dangers of meat and dairy and enriched white flour, but it did say I don’t have to cut those things out completely, as long as my intake of them does not exceed 10% of my calories per week, not that I have to spend a ton of time counting calories.  So I guess I really shouldn’t call myself a vegetarian/vegan if I will occasionally eat meat and dairy.  It’s just so much easier an explanation when people who bring food wonder why I, the birthday girl for whom they brought the food, am not partaking in their super creamy, cheesy and meat loaded potato casserole.

I’m pretty sure I blew it this weekend.  A little.

Given my birthday celebration and the fact that my family (including my sister, whom I haven’t seen for two years) was in town, I found myself not worrying about being terribly restrictive of my food.  After all, this is a lifestyle change, but an occasional splurge shouldn’t be off limits or I’m going to end up falling off the plan and burying my face in a cheesecake.  But my one splurge turned into several and it became a slippery slope indeed.

Faux pas 1:  Said chicken pot pie was encased in such a flaky crust that I knew it wasn’t good for me, and I ate it anyway.  I had a roll to go with it, but no butter.

Faux pas 2:  I had a taco salad with meat and cheese in it.  My sister in law makes it and it’s plain impossible to resist.  I must figure out a way.

Faux pas 3:  I had a scoop of mostaccioli, a celebration staple.

Faux pas 4:  I ate a container of the very nachos I resisted a couple weekends ago as I was serving them at my SIL’s yard sale.

Faux pas 5:  I had two cans of fully loaded 7up Saturday.

Faux pas 6:  I ate a chicken quesadilla loaded with cheese on Sunday for lunch.

Triumph 1:  I did not order any dessert at any of the restaurants we ate at, despite being presented the opportunity and having family ordering on either side of me.  No cherry pie a la mode for me!

Triumph 2:  There was talk of custard right next door to our lunch restaurant on Saturday.  I never went over and ordered.

Triumph 3:  There was birthday cake, which I didn’t partake even though I was the one cutting it. But I did lick my fingers, and the sugar buzz I got off that was enough for me to realize what a bad idea an entire piece would be when the sugar buzz came to a crashing halt.

Triumph 4:  Instead of a piece of cake for dessert on Sunday night, I made strawberry banana fruit smoothies that were so delectable and filling there will be many more in the future, and probably the purchase of a hand blender so I don’t have to get out the regular blender, because damn, cleaning that thing is like using a spray bottle to clean up an oil spill, such is the magnitude of the mess.  My fingers are just not tiny enough to fit into the crevasses and not all of it is dishwasher safe.

I have noticed that it was easy on Friday to say no to the things I shouldn’t have had, but once I started on the slippery slope of accepting bad-for-me food, it was as if an addiction had returned.  I truly hadn’t realized the progress I’ve made in just the few weeks I’ve been eating better until I cheated enough to remind my body what I’ve been denying it these weeks.  So after a weekend of cheating, instead of being filled with angst over my bad choices and using them as an excuse to give up and go back to my unhealthy habits, I’m filled with a renewed resolve to gain back my progress from before and keep the cheating to a minimum.  Now, I can see just how dangerous the “one won’t hurt” mindset can be if I let the one turn into three turn into five cheats.  I’ll find myself fighting not only my old food loves and desires but also my body’s physical manifestations of the food addiction I’ve suffered for the last several years.  Over the weekend, I found my moods tied to food.  I got cranky with hunger instead of just noticing hunger and feeding it with fruit and salads and good stuff.

Week 6:
Starting weight at rock bottom on 3/26/07: 223 lbs
Last weigh in: 5/01/07: 211 lbs
Current weight 5/08/07: 209 lbs
Weight lost this week: 2 lb
Total lost: 14 lbs

Last week, we were issued security cards at my job as part of an overhaul to our security system.  In many ways this new system makes life easier.  In a couple ways, it’s harder.  For one, I can now use the door closest to my desk to enter the building because it no longer requires a physical key.  Given that I usually have full hands because my lunches are so bulky now with my salad ingredients and 3-4 servings of fruit a day, and I bring a book to read at lunch, this is a good thing even though I’m getting less exercise.  Although really, it probably amounts to 20 or 30 fewer steps.  How good would that REALLY do me?  But I also have to have my badge on my person at all times to be able to access where I need to be in the building.  I’m already putting money on myself to be the first to lose it.  The cards have our picture on them, our name and an ID number, and the company logo. 

I was absolutely stunned when my card was given to me.

The face I look at in the mirror every morning is not the face on the key card.  The keycard is much worse.  My head is facing forward while my body is turned to the side, the classic portrait pose.  I don’t know if it’s the pose or just reality, but let’s just say it’s not a good picture.  My boss joked that he would have asked them to photoshop him some hair on his picture if he’d known it would turn out like that.  I laughed too, but inside I was wishing they could have photoshopped my fat out of the picture.  Just from my face, it’s clear I’m obese.

I shouldn’t be so surprised, but this revelation was a shock.

Every morning, I put makeup on this face; I fix my hair around this face; at night, I wash and moisturize this face.  How could what I see in the mirror and what other people see (though granted they may not be as harsh about their criticism) be so different?  Have I been deluding myself all this time or am I being overly harsh of the picture?  I don’t think I am being unrealistic about the picture, although I do understand it is a snapshot in time and my face in the mirror changes with the movement of my hands and expressions, which will also change how fat it appears.

Somehow, this fat image I project is not the inner image I have of myself, or I wouldn’t be so surprised by the picture.

Jonnikerwrote a post about self image that really hits home, especially this:

“It’s frustrating to me that our society is so confused about healthy body image and eating that some seem to universally see it as a negative when people want to make healthier changes and drop a few pounds. Frankly, I think this is an area where too many mixed messages have confused the donuts out of half of America, me included, and I’m not sure where it’s written that wanting to be healthier and more in shape means that you’re succumbing to some sort of media-driven ideal.”

She goes on to further explain that just because she’s trying to lose a couple pounds on Weight Watchers so that her wardrobe is more comfortable, that doesn’t mean she’s got a whacked out self-image and thinks the few extra pounds detract from her worth as a whole person. Wow. I know my self image isn’t very good because I’m so overweight, but I also don’t think my weight defines me as a person.  I’ve noticed that I’ve gotten a lot of encouragement as I’m attempting to be healthier and achieve a proper weight for my height.  But I’ve been warned that not only will people become more snarky about the fact that I’m a vegan because it’s a way of eating very different from which the snarky people are accustomed, but that also as I go downward in clothing size, people will be more critical.  This is the effect that I believe Jonniker is illustrating, that because she’s been within a few pounds of her ideal weight for as long as she can remember, she’s grilled questioned when she tries to eat healthier and lose a couple extra pounds if her clothes are getting tight or she just wants to feel better physically.  It’s amazing, really, how vehement and just plain rude people can be when it comes to weight issues.  Why would Jonniker even have to explain her decision to anyone?  It’s none of their business.

When (I almost said “if”.  There is no if, only when.) I get closer to my ideal weight but still have a bit to go, say 30 or 40 pounds, suddenly the 60 or 70 that I’ve lost will lose some steam as an accomplishment, I suspect, because of this very thing, people’s opinions of right and wrong when it comes to weight.  I’ve even been told already that the method I’m choosing to follow, spelled out in the book I mentioned, isn’t right, that their method is better and I’m stupid for taking the advice found in a book.  To which I say hey, I’m improving my diet by any healthy means necessary and completely cutting out fast food (except Panera French Onion soup, no croutons no cheese, because it’s just. that. good.  But a cup also only has 80 calories without the croutons and cheese, so it’s still pretty healthy) so why are you taking it so personally that I’m not trying your method?  There are many ways to eat better that tailor specifically to an individual’s needs and this is the way I choose.  I’m not saying you’re wrong with your dietary choice, so stop saying I am because I’ve cut out meat and dairy.

Many theories have been tossed around in the stuff I’ve read on the subject of public perception of weight.  A couple have struck me, such as the fact that right now, I’m nowhere close to an ideal weight and therefore I’m so far out of the normal range that I’m an anomaly and people in the normal range don’t even consider my size as something they could become. 

“Oh, look at the fat girl eating her salad.  She must be on a diet.  Good for her.”  That’s what I imagine going on in peoples’ minds.  Granted, I realize I’m supposing what people are thinking and really I’m not a mind reader, but for argument’s sake, let’s just say I am.  I’ve seen in my reading where the “good for her” morphs into something altogether different and far uglier when the range of normal is achieved.  That I must have just recently “let myself go” when in fact it wasn’t so recent.  And that’s another thing.  I don’t think anyone who is overweight or obese makes a conscious decision to let go of healthy eating habits.  I didn’t just decide to get fat because I thought it would be hott.  It was a buildup of bad decisions over time that, taken on their own, were just quick runs through the drive through or a big juicy steak here and there with a loaded baked potato, but collectively those decisions add up to my rock bottom weight.  But when I begin to near my ideal weight, I’ll be popping up in their radars and, instead of being the whale in the plus sizes, I’ll be the girl at Old Navy asking if they have any more of those jeans in size 14 and “gawd, I hope I never get that fat.  Shoot me [insert shopping companion’s name here], if I ever get that fat,” says the shopper looking through the size 4s to my left.

Another theory is that once I near my goal weight, I’ll suddenly be competition in the realm of attraction, never mind the fact that I’m married and not looking in that market.  Some woman’s boyfriend/husband takes a second look and the fault will be mine for the jeans I’m wearing or the shirt that shows too much skin.  They will never know that I used to top the scale comfortably at over 200 pounds.  They’ll see me for what I am then, even if it takes my mind awhile to wrap itself around being the normal sized girl instead of the fat person I’ve gotten used to being.

My sister turned me on to this website that I pointed out last week written by a girl named Tonya who underwent gastric bypass surgery in 2005 and has chronicled her experiences for a year in the newspaper of her hometown in the hopes of exposing readers to the effects of weight loss surgery.  In some of her writings, she discusses how some people ~ even those who’ve lost significant amounts of weight with diet and exercise that one would think would be sympathetic to the plight of every obese person ~ comment on how having weight loss surgery is cheating, that it’s a way around eating better and exercising.  Having read Tonya’s account of her experience, I know that nothing could be further from the truth.  The attention to detail required by gastric bypass patients for their food intake is phenomenal and hardly cheating when compared to traditional weight loss methods.  The only difference I can see between having the surgery and not is that the consequences of food choices lead to more dire circumstances for those who’ve had the surgery.  Besides just the risk of gaining back the weight, there’s also vitamin deficiency to contend with as well as any number of complications in regards to the internal organs themselves that non-surgical weight loss people just don’t have to think about. Among those topics, Tonya also wrote about thinking of herself as thin and how much it takes to remember not being the overweight one anymore, how she’s always been the “fat friend” and now that label is no longer appropriate for her and it still takes her some getting used to, two years later.Even though my own self image isn’t great right now, I do recognize the need for tact and grace with people when it comes to weight.  Those comments I’ve made to my friend Crystal about how I would love to have her waistline are just one more way for me to feel like my weight is a competition, that I have to try to look as good as her.  (Sorry C!)  When she mentioned dieting to lose some weight for a pageant she was planning to enter and I told her she was deluded to think she needed to lose more, I really should apologize.  (Again, sorry C!)  Not only that, but I should be as supportive of anyone trying to improve their health whether their goal is weight loss or to get in shape to climb a mountain or run a marathon.  I can only hope the same courtesies will be extended to me throughout this process, even if the picture on my work ID grosses me out now.

Week 5:
Starting weight at rock bottom on 3/26/07: 223 lbs
Last weigh in: 4/24/07: 212 lbs
Current weight 5/01/07: 211 lbs
Weight lost this week: 1 lb*
Total lost: 12 lbs

*I suspect Aunt Flo is about to rear her ugly head and I’ve been yoyo-ing on the scale the last few days.  I’m hoping this is only water retention weight that’s kept me from losing more than a pound for the second week in a row.  Otherwise I’m already slowing down from my dietary changes, which puts me in the category of people with extremely slow metabolism and this is going to be an even longer road than I’d imagined.  But I guess 30 mph or 80 mph, as long as I stay on the road to the end, the speed at which I go doesn’t matter much.

I found an incredibly inspiring blog based off the recommendation of my sister.  Go here to read about the weight loss journey of a girl who had gastric bypass.  It’s knock-your-socks-off inspiring.  Make sure you look at this photo essay that shows in pictures the beginning and end of her visible physical changes.